How we keep our sex life alive

Keeping our Sex Life Alive

February 14, 2025

I asked for journal requests and got this topic, which I am always happy to talk about. I was struggling though which angle to write it from though so it took me a bit to write.

I decided to write it almost as a list but there are details so if it weirds you out to read about it, this is your warning. Not as many details as I thought but I do list examples.

Talk about sex: on a regular basis we just talk about it. What we've been enjoying lately, anything new we want to try or something we haven't done in awhile we want to do, fantasies, when we want to, what I like at what time of the month and hurdles ect. The key is communication, don't be shy, own what you want.

Make it a priority: When you have young kids it's so easy to blink and a week has gone by and you haven't done anything. We will plan it, not always but we usually have something scheduled so if the kids decide to not sleep or have weird schedules we have that protected time. Plus putting it high on the list, the dishes will eventually get done but sex can be easy to skip. Also saying the actual words, not hinting, straight up saying “I would like to have sex tonight”. Remember communication is key, own what you want, that's usually a turn on for the other person. We have sex like 1-4 times a week, with young kids there are just so many factors, it's different every week. We recently went 2 weeks which we never do but everyone was sick at different times and it happens. So once we were ready it was priority number one and we talked about that.

Another thing is when we moved into our house, we did our bedroom first. We knew if we didn't do it first it wouldn't get done. We painted, bought all new furniture, put curtains up and printed pictures of us. Our room has no pictures of the kids or kids toys ect. They also don't sleep in our room except on rare occasions and when they were newborns. Part of it is I just can't sleep with them in our room. But we were very intentional from the beginning to make our room our escape at the end of the day. The kids are more than welcome during the day, it's just at night that we have that boundary.

Trying new things: Anything is game as long as you both talk about it and consent. New positions, new toys, new room, new accessories, new time of day, buy whipped cream. Whatever, don't over think it, it's amazing how just a new room can spice it up. I think sex is very interesting, from a scientific/psychology perspective so I like watching documentaries and learning about it, I think if I was to do school over again I would do something in that field, some sort of sex couples counselling but who at 17 is like I want to coach couples, I don't even know what I'm doing. But anyways I come across lots of new things that we could try from it. Which leads to my next bullet point…

Educate yourselves: learn what your options are and then talk about if that interests you. If it doesn't interest you, don't do it, you learned that it's a thing but you don't want that. You can also learn what does interest you, I like documentaries and I also come across reels, plus online sex toy shops. You can browse to see what's out there, it’s not as intimidating as you think, there are some very vanilla options available. Take responsibility for your own pleasure and learn what your options are.

It's like anything, the more you practice and learn and talk about it the better it gets.

Have a sex positive household: I grew up in a sex positive household, meaning sex wasn't shamed, it was a normal topic like anything else, we could ask what we wanted when we wanted and we got an answer. Sex wasn't treated as a secret or something to be shamed about. Ryden isn't old enough yet to even ask questions but we tell him we need “alone time” and he doesn't question it, he's like whatever, I get to watch my show, do whatever you want. But when he does start asking questions we'll give him age appropriate answers.

Date each other: this is the emotional foreplay part. Have fun together, learn about each other, learn something new together, practice using each others love languages. Go out, dress up for yourselves and each other. Better yourself and grow as a person. Kiss each other when you get home from work, grab each other, touch each other, send dirty texts. Do whatever to feel connected, this is what you did in the beginning of your relationship that made it exciting and this is what makes you want to have sex with each other.

My love language is touch which is part of the reason sex is such a priority for us. But it's not just sex it's also cuddling during a movie, holding hands on a walk, coming up behind me and grabbing me while I'm doing something, kissing, hugging, squeezes, whatever. When he does that it makes me feel loved and makes me feel more inclined to want to have sex and vice versa. His love language is quality time, so playing board games and watching movies together or having coffee together, all those little things makes him feel loved and makes him want to have sex.

Self love: you have to love yourself first and feel sexy for you first. I watched this clip on what to do when you lose your sex drive (not because I lost it, just because I find it interesting) and it says one of the first things to do is turn yourself on. Wear something that makes you feel good or shave your legs, or not eat a greasy meal beforehand, whatever makes you feel sexy. Sometimes I'll get dressed and be like damn I look so hot, I'm gonna go show him and see if he agrees. If you feel bloated and you didn't shower and just feel gross you probably won't want to have sex.

I asked Josh to help me come up with this list and as a final point he said this 😂

“Fuck the shit out of each other, every once in awhile you just need to go at it, the most hardcore vanilla sex you do, whatever that looks like.”