In my middle school era

I have felt the most myself since becoming pregnant with Ryden. Being pregnant with Ryden I just felt so gross, I was nauseous and throwing up for half my pregnancy and just so tired, I didn’t feel much like myself. Then I had a baby and had to learn how to be a mom which I really struggled shifting to this new role. As Ryden was getting closer to two I started to feel a little more free but then I got pregnant, and  again, nauseous, throwing up and this time with a toddler! Want to know the hardest thing in the world? Being pregnant with a toddler. I was so tired and sick and guilty that I couldn’t give Ryden my whole self. I have/will elaborate on all of these things in other posts, this is just to give a back round.

I didn’t think I would start to feel like myself until Oaklyn stopped breastfeeding but I started to feel really good at 2 months post partum. My newborn wasn’t very newborn anymore, I had a toddler to keep me busy and get me out of the house this time, I have gotten into spin class and it’s summer which is probably the best time of year to heal. It’s warm and sunny and you are outside all the time.

I felt have felt drawn to do things that I enjoyed in middle school. I watched all of the high school musicals and listening to the soundtracks. I have been listening to music from that decade and buying everything in pinks, purples and baby blues. The other night I was sitting in my bed by myself with my headphones on listening to Avril Lavigne while colouring. It felt so good and filled up my cup after being drained all day. I have also been playing with my clothes and my hair to make sure I feel really good in my post partum body. Soon I start softball again which I also played through out my entire childhood.

I still have motherhood struggles on the daily but when I focus on these things I feel amazing and like I’m really settling into this new era of having young kids but being done having kids. I am finding my way back to my inner child while I get to play with my kids. My middle school era is much better this time. I get to do what I wanted in middle school but I have more freedom, more money, more confidence, I think it’s cool to like Nickelback again and the boy I have a crush actually likes me back.

I think part of the reason I feel so much like myself so soon after having a baby is because I don’t want to wait a whole other two years to go back to “regular” life. Or maybe because I’m done having babies I feel like I can leave that part of my life behind and focus on this season.